I remembered there was a day during the last summer vacation when many things went wrong and I just felt too sorrow to do anything else. So I started this post. Later, however, I found it too negative to publish so I just stopped writing at that time. Today should be a happy day for me: Mid-Autumn Festival and the National Holiday is coming, I got another solid A and I enjoyed the fabulous Gala prepared by school and other students. It is all of a sudden that I feel like writing a post for today, as a summary and planner for past and the future. Then, I saw this post again waiting in my git repo, so I decided to combine the contents.
No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
And no one knows what it's like
To be hated
To be fated
To telling only lies
But my dreams they aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free
-- Behind Blue Eyes
This should be the first non-technical article of this blog and I hesitated several times before finally sitting down to write it. I hesitated because it could be harmful to pass something negative onto others but I have been drown by the urge to express myself and feelings.
I do not know what is going on with me recently but I do feel something has changed toward a bad direction. For days, I just sit there doing nothing and let the fire of passion extinguished by my laziness. One may already found that I have been sending out wechat moments at a higher frequency than ever before: because I am scared by these changes and I deadly need someone's comforts.
Aha, the above lines were written in the past. As you can see, I was truly upset on that day, but it has healed over time. Yet, there are truly some changes happening on me.
I still remembered what I was like when I first entered this university. How time flies, before I even noticed it, I have already reached the third year. From 18 to 21 years old, it was just like a short dream. Two years ago, I could work for several days without a good sleep but I think I have already aged now and cannot do that anymore.
Today, for the first time in three years, I attended the holiday gala. I really enjoyed the time and saw great performance. Therefore, I am moved to think what I have done until now in my university life. Albeit I feel that I am getting more and more lazy, I have attached the greatest effort to my study and research.
I do have some achievements: I have a high GPA. I am in the Dean's list. I have once been the research assistant and USTF. However, I do have failures and sadness.
Take one of my best friends in this school for example. When he walking on the street, it seems that the whole world knows him and everyone wants to say hello to him. Though I do not really want to be like that, I do need to reflect on myself. I seldom attend these public activities. Others may think my university life kind of boring. Indeed, I also feel that I may be lack of social experiences. There is also another thing: I have never tried to pursue a girl or been pursued by others. Maybe I am really afraid of these things, afraid of being unable to handle the relationships and afraid of my messy life style bringing harm to others. However, I am grateful that I do have some great friends in the university. We can talk about our thoughts, our feelings and our academic ideas. They keep me away from feeling lonely.
I sometimes also feel that I am not hard-working enough. Unlike those students who are truly devoting themselves in pure maths or applicative maths (they try their best to practice all possible related proofs and exercises in their leisure time), I sometimes feel it hard to concentrate to pure theoretical work, but I still think that I am more like a theory-studying guy and I should try my best to improve myself in this aspect.
One of my greatest failures is that I did not get a chance to work on what I am really interested in. I want to investigate more on type theory, operating system, and compilers. Nevertheless, in this university, most courses are too industry-based. People are talking about web and machine learning everywhere. I do hope to find someone guiding me to dive into my favorite fields. It is my honor and luck that I found Prof. Ye-Ching Chung, who taught me a lot on related research, but I still feel myself empty at theoretical aspects. I used to laugh at and look down upon those who do not care much about the foundations of Computer Science and the mathematical things behind it. Yet, isn't it funny that I myself even cannot find a proper approach to study what I love the deepest.
2020 has been a chaos. It also cast much anxiety on me. I originally have an one-year Yale University visiting plan, but it is delayed and may be finally canceled. Many seniors reported to me that even though they have the offers, they may still get into troubles when handling those visa issues. I also feel perplexed and hazed looking forward. My current plan is to do my utmost to apply ETHz for a direct doctorate or a master degree. It will be a tough road but I have to make up my mind. At this particular moment, the most crucial thing is to have a goal and go for it.
As for recent goals, I will first try my best to study the courses. As I am taking CIE6010, I will also summarize some latest findings in my blog posts. I am also struggling to find out a way to have a rigorous study of the fundamental Category Theory and Type Theory. They will be the bedrock for my future study. As for coding, I am writing a libc-free library in rust in my leisure time. It is useful for me to grab more best industrial practices and the connections between user programs and the system.
I will never give up my dream.